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Unrequited love is an experience that most people are familiar with—the ache of loving someone who doesn’t love you back. At its core, unrequited love is an emotional imbalance, and the psychological toll of such one-sided relationships goes far beyond just disappointment.
According to research published in SAGE Open, there are five primary types of unrequited love. Researchers found that, while it may lack the intensity of reciprocated love when it comes to passion, commitment, and sacrifice, unrequited love can create more distress and turmoil. In fact, the researchers described unrequited love as “an inferior approximation” of true romantic love—something that feels like love but falls short of its full, powerful mutual expression.
Following are the five types of unrequited love, ranked from the least to the most distressing, according to the study.
1. Parasocial Love
One common type of unrequited love is having a crush on someone unavailable, such as a celebrity or public figure. Also known as parasocial love, this involves developing a deep emotional attachment to someone who is essentially out of reach.
For instance, a 2021 study published in Frontiers In Psychology found that people can form strong attachments to fictional characters and, consequently, the actors who portray them, even though these relationships are inherently one-sided.
In these scenarios, the person experiencing the crush often knows that the chances of forming a real relationship are slim to none. The connection remains asymmetrical—while the fan might invest time and emotion into following the star’s life, the celebrity remains unaware of the fan’s existence.
Even when there is some level of interaction, such as at a meet-and-greet or autograph signing, researchers suggest that the relationship remains incomplete, superficial, and highly unlikely to progress any further. This imbalance creates distress because the emotional investment is high, but the chances of reciprocal affection or a meaningful connection are virtually nonexistent.
2. A Crush on Someone “Nearby”
Sometimes, a person develops a crush on someone who is physically close, such as a coworker, classmate, or neighbor. Unlike parasocial love, this type of unrequited love involves actual, albeit limited, interactions with the object of affection.
Researchers found that this type of unrequited love is the most common of all. The closeness and frequent contact can amplify feelings of attraction and emotional attachment, even if those feelings remain unspoken.
The desire to take things further often clashes with the fear of rejection, leading to a frustrating cycle of uncertainty and emotional turmoil.
3. Actively Pursuing a Romantic Connection
This type of unrequited love occurs when someone becomes infatuated with another person and decides to pursue them romantically. The pursuit may be subtle, with small gestures, increased interaction, or ambiguous hints at romantic interest. It could also involve more direct actions, like explicitly asking the person out.
However, the person being pursued may not always recognize or reciprocate these feelings, leading to a mismatch of emotions and relationship expectations. This often triggers an emotional rollercoaster for the pursuer, who takes on the emotional labor of initiating and sustaining a potential relationship, hoping to move beyond unrequited feelings.
In some cases, this pursuit can lead to a reciprocal relationship, where the initial unrequited love transforms into mutual affection with time, but this depends on various factors, such as the other person’s emotional availability, mutual attraction, shared interests, and clear communication between both parties.
4. Longing for a Past Lover
Another form of unrequited love is the lingering desire for a former romantic partner. When a relationship ends, the dissolution may not be mutual, leaving one partner still emotionally invested and committed.
The deep familiarity and interdependence developed during the relationship make it difficult for the left-behind partner to move on. This can create hope for rekindling the relationship, even when it’s no longer viable.
Research published in the Journal of Personality suggests that more than missing the actual person, a fear of being single or feeling unworthy of love can drive this type of longing.
5. An Unequal Love Relationship
Even when a romantic relationship is established, differences in the intensity or nature of love between partners can emerge. “Quantitative asymmetry” refers to differences in how strongly love is felt. For instance, one partner might be ready to move forward in the relationship more quickly than the other, causing tension and dissatisfaction.
“Qualitative asymmetry,” on the other hand, involves differences in the type of love experienced. Researchers suggest that love can be multifaceted, encompassing passion, intimacy, commitment, attachment, caregiving, and sexuality. When partners are misaligned in these areas—such as when one desires more passion and the other seeks deeper commitment—the imbalance can lead to frustration and emotional strain.
Researchers found that the most distressing types of unrequited love, particularly unequal love relationships, involved the most personal interaction, intimate knowledge of a partner, commitment, passion, and sacrifice. Consequently, they were also more intense and lasted longer.
When it comes to unrequited love, the harsh reality is that an unavailable person cannot be one for you. Holding on to someone who can’t or won’t reciprocate your feelings often reflects a deeper need to examine your relationship with yourself. Are you seeking validation or avoiding confronting your own fears or insecurities by focusing on someone emotionally unavailable?
While we really can’t help who we fall for sometimes, choosing to hold on to unrequited love can prevent you from opening up to new possibilities. It’s an act of self-love to recognize that you deserve a relationship where love is mutual, passionate, and fulfilling. When you stop chasing someone who isn’t right for you, you make space for someone who will be.
A version of this post also appears on Forbes.com.